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This is the first mother's day that I won't be able to call my mom up and wish her a Happy Mother's Day and it's killing me that I'll never hear her voice again, be able to hug her, nor will I be able to just see her.
If I would have known that last Mother's Day would have been our last, I would have made it more memorable!
- My Beautiful Mother… battling Endometrial Cancer
Up until a few years ago, my mom and I had a love/dislike relationship. She loved me and I disliked her way of thinking so I stopped talking to her many times.
We had a huge blow out the night before my husband and I got married and even though she was at my wedding, I avoided her quite a while. She really pissed me off about changing things at my wedding for decorations after we had discussed and agreed on things. It was more than just the decorations, though.
My husband and I were talking with the minister with the final aspects of the ceremony, and people kept coming up and interrupting us to find out what they could do to help with decorating and placement of chairs, etc. I directed them to my mom, who directed them back to me. Do you see how this is going to end? After the 4th interruption, I screamed “Tell people what they can do and stop trying to do the shit your damn self!”
(Okay, I said a few more cuss words in there but you get the point).
Anyway, after the wedding, we literally didn't talk for probably 2 months, almost Christmas time. That's when we found out there were some serious medical problems that my mom kept ignoring. We found out that she had a horrible spider bite on her big toe as well as on her shin. She just kept saying “Oh I just burned myself” until my husband, my brother and I finally forced her to get it looked at. Come to find out she was bitten by a brown recluse, not once, but twice.
While in the hospital being treated, that's when they did all the blood work and found out something more was going on and she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. They did a hysterectomy and we thought they got everything, but she still needed to go through treatments.
Why am I telling you all this?
For backstory a bit on our relationship over the past 4 years.
About 2 years ago, I demanded to be the one taking her to majority of her Doctor appointments. I wanted to do know first hand what was being said, done, and the probability for everything she was going through. I wanted to be informed, plus I wanted to be able to kick my mom's butt when she wasn't doing things she was supposed to be doing!
Role reversal for the win! I got to mother, my mother for the first time, EVER!
And believe me I did. She was supposed to be on a strict diet because of the medicines. Doing certain things to help and to stop doing other things. She was stubborn! She just continued to do whatever she wanted, as this was a whole new world for her. She was able to come to terms with certain aspects and did what she was supposed to for the most part towards the end, but it was hard for her and for us to watch her struggle.
One thing NO ONE prepares you for when learning your parent has cancer, is the feeling of helplessness when they are in pain and you can't take that pain from them.
There were days that you could see it in my mom's eyes that she wanted to give up. You could hear it in her voice, but my brother, our children and our spouses all pushed her because we knew she wasn't the type to just give up. She just wasn't the type of person that would let cancer beat her.
Before cancer took over all of our lives (because it didn't just effect your loved one, it effects everyone else as well), my mom was an extremely busy woman. She ran Mrs. Claus' Kitchen, helped with various community projects, and still did many craft projects and never complained.
She had a blast with all four of her grandsons as well as her two adopted grand-daughters. Every time we turned around she was buying one of the 6 kids something, or taking them somewhere, or showing up to a function for school, sports or whatever it was. She had a hard time telling the grandkids no. Which now, I wish I wouldn't have fought her so much on.
Being without her this Mother's Day for the first time, I think is worse than being without her on Christmas.
I can't hug her or kiss her and thank her for giving me life and being there for me when I needed someone the most.
You know, growing up you always hear “You never realize what you have, until you don't have it anymore!”
Well, I don't have my mom anymore, and I miss her. I may not act like it, but I do.
There are nights that I want to pick up the phone and tell her great news, like me going back to college, or ask for advice about something……I can't.
I can't hear her voice. I'll never hear her voice again.
I'll never be able to hold her hand again and tell her how much I love her and hear it back.
My kids will never hear her voice again. My nephews won't either…. and neither will my brother.
We'll never hear her “cackle” laughter or her “yodel” at sports games. (Yes, she did both and growing up they were annoying, but now I miss them!)
We'll never hear “Things will be fine! Just have faith!”
We'll never see the smile on her face again when she's watching the grandkids play together.
We'll never hear the words “I'm so proud of my daughter/son/daughter in law/son in law! They just accomplished… xyz”
She won't be there when I graduate college after quitting 6 times.
She won't be there when the grandkids graduate high school or college.
She won't be there when the grandkids have their babies like her mom was there when we had ours.
Only, she will be at all of those events. Just not physically. Spiritually she will be there. But it's still never going to be the same.
So if you still have your mother, hug her, kiss her, call her and tell her how much you love her.
Because those of us who don't have their mother, miss her and wish we had more time with our moms. Especially if she was young when she left this earth.
If you know someone who recently lost their mother to Cancer be kind to them this Mother's Day. They are spending it without the woman who gave them life and taught them how to live. They don't have the person who used to kiss their pain away when they were a child to help with the hurt. They don't have the one person who stood by their side no matter what anymore.
Even though I have a great family, I don't have my mom.
If you're a mother who has children and you're battling cancer or any other ailment, I strongly suggest you tell your loved ones how much they mean to you…. how much you love them and write in a memory book for them! My favorite is one of these: